I as a vet tech, have seen a lot of death, more death than I care to remember, but I can honestly say this was the most amazing experience I have ever had regarding another animal making their transition. I have had a week to process it all, I am not going to say it has been easy, I can't even say it has been hard. There are no human words that convey the pain that comes with losing a pet or a family member. My body literally feels like it has lost a limb, the nerve endings are still there but the appendage is not. I still hear his nails on the hardwood floor, I thought I heard him whining in the house while I was teaching a lesson the other day, he is all around me, yet not here in form. I have cried the hardest and longest I have ever cried, and I have done so 2-6x a day, I feel as if he is on the other side of a door, so close, yet impossible to get to. I have never felt this feeling in my life and it is a very frustrating, hurts to the soul and beyond sort of feeling. There have been so many firsts without him. This past weekend was the first road trip without him. His ashes came with us, his dog collar was on the rear-view mirror, I thought I would spread some ashes on the coast, but I could not let him go yet. I always thought I would be creeped out by having somethings ashes nearby, but they are in a beautiful wooden box right next to my bed, along with his collar and tag that says "Leroy". Every morning I touch his collar and I know he is there somewhere. I went to the beach without him, that was awful. My heart physically hurt, and I never knew just how big that lump in your throat could hurt, but it was crazy, there were thousands of sand-dollars washed up on the beach, they were all broken except for one, a beautiful purple sand-dollar. I found a big shell that I will use to scoop his ashes when the time is right. We came home to an empty house, his beds all around, the smell of him still on his blankets. It's crazy, I sleep with his stuffed animal. All of these things I would have normally thought were kind of crazy, but my point of writing this is to let everyone know that this is normal. However you need to grieve is however you need to grieve. Ride the process out, cry so hard that your body hurts, then cry some more. I have kept visine in stock for over a month now!! Today was the first day that I was in my car without Jeff and Percy and it hurt so much to not have my pal with me. I came home to the empty house, usually Leroy, even when he was sick, would race me to the door, run in the house, grab whatever toy he found first, then happily settle on his bed and just stare at me while I do homework. At this moment I am sitting on the couch for the first time since he died, on my computer, he has always been right next to me, one of my hands on his warm body, and one hand on my book or laptop. Today his side of the couch is empty, and I am forcing myself to deal with it. Writing helps, knowing that even if my words reach one person who is faced with the losing or loss of a pet or loved one, is therapeutic in and of itself. I am not trying to wallow in sorrow, nor have anyone feel sorry for me, I am moving forward, not on, but forward. I felt today for the first time that I need a dog in my life. I have Percy, but he is lonely too, and he is "Jeffs dog", his jobsite dog. I need my soul dog, and I trust that Leroy will lead me to him or her and the right pup will come to me for the right reasons. I am going to keep up with this blog, it may be about random things, it may still just be about my Leroy, who knows, but in honor of him, in therapeutic ways for myself and maybe others, I feel the best thing to do is the only other thing I know how to do besides ride horses, and that is to write.
|My beautiful pup lounging while I taught lessons, the day before he died.|
|Ha ha ha...we called him the "lounge lizard"|
|His last day, staring and pointing at the cat...Leroy never suffered or lost his spirit to cancer.|
|Leroy making peace with the kitty on his last full day with us.|
|I think Leroy finally figured that kitties were o.k, to just look at for once.|
|The second to last picture I ever took of Leroy, the night before he died.|